Recently, Kirobo, a Japanese robot was launched into space in order to accompany the humans on their missions aboard the International Space Station. Kirobo is the latest in advanced "thinking" robots. He gathers and analyzes questions or comments made to him and replies with an appropriate response. One example, in an interview, he was asked what he would ask Santa for Christmas. He responded that he was hoping for a toy rocket. Not only is this adorable in my opinion, but also very important.
How can systems using language skills such as Kirobo's serve our human society? One very simple and practical application would be developing robots or even programs which act as tutors for individualized learning. What an immense tool for education this could be! Imagine a program or robot companion for every child or even adult student which could accompany the student on his or her learning journey. The robot could even serve as a study buddy. If a question were to come up while a student is doing his or her homework, the tutor is right there to assist. This sort of relationship can only be achieved with advanced language skills where the robot or program can recognize the question and form a rational and correct response. The programs could be specialized to cover certain course material, but could additionally be connected to some sort of database or even the internet. The program would need to perform a rapid search and differentiate between "good" information and "incorrect or irrelevant" material.
Now this program would be extremely difficult to manage and create with current levels of technology, but I am certain that robot tutors and companions will soon be common place and that these tutors/programs/companions will contribute immensely to our world's education.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
A Dark Matter Proposal
I was up late, not sleeping. I had an idea about what dark matter may be, so to speak. I need to try to sleep so I will try to make this concise. Basically, the Big Bang was an event that took place in a larger "space". Just as any event starts as a point in time and then grows larger, infinitely larger so that it covers more and more space over time, which is another dimension in our perceivable Universe.
Now, Einstein's famous equation, shows that space and time are linked by the speed of light which only applies to our universe. Our universe, is an event that is spreading out through the "outside space". Because we are spreading out through this "space", out perceivable matter is also spreading out, so that at the beginning of the Universe, we were not really affected by the outside matter, but because we are expanding, the outside matter is affecting the matter, we can perceive, shaping and causing our universe to form as it has, and it would make sense that the more "time" goes by, the more dense the outside matter would become relative to the density of the expanding event, or the Big Bang.
So, if anyone is still following, the Universe is like a solute in a solvent, which could mean that the dark matter's influence could eventually cause the destruction of our perceived universe, through its overwhelming gravitational influences. This could further explain some of the behaviors observed, such as black holes. Anyway, I need to sleep, but I wanted to write this down first, so hopefully some may find this interesting.
Now, Einstein's famous equation, shows that space and time are linked by the speed of light which only applies to our universe. Our universe, is an event that is spreading out through the "outside space". Because we are spreading out through this "space", out perceivable matter is also spreading out, so that at the beginning of the Universe, we were not really affected by the outside matter, but because we are expanding, the outside matter is affecting the matter, we can perceive, shaping and causing our universe to form as it has, and it would make sense that the more "time" goes by, the more dense the outside matter would become relative to the density of the expanding event, or the Big Bang.
So, if anyone is still following, the Universe is like a solute in a solvent, which could mean that the dark matter's influence could eventually cause the destruction of our perceived universe, through its overwhelming gravitational influences. This could further explain some of the behaviors observed, such as black holes. Anyway, I need to sleep, but I wanted to write this down first, so hopefully some may find this interesting.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
The Stars
I beg, turn this dark night into a sunrise.
But I know in my heart I am not owed any such thing,
The night spirits have spoken.
They have staked their claim.
The sunrise stands only to accuse
the heart so dark,
the soul born to lose
Seek not the sun but embrace the dark
One star does not shine for you
There is an entire sky full of lights.
This seems more worthy
than reaching for a star destined to die.
You may reach out to them
long after the days men try to count
I am a stranger in this world
And a stranger still when the sun burns out.
But I know in my heart I am not owed any such thing,
The night spirits have spoken.
They have staked their claim.
The sunrise stands only to accuse
the heart so dark,
the soul born to lose
Seek not the sun but embrace the dark
One star does not shine for you
There is an entire sky full of lights.
This seems more worthy
than reaching for a star destined to die.
You may reach out to them
long after the days men try to count
I am a stranger in this world
And a stranger still when the sun burns out.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Becoming the Monster
Once I walked in the light.
The morning sun was a welcomed friend.
Now, I only seek the night,
Creeping from shadow to shadow.
I used to greet my fellow man,
But these meetings are no more.
I find no warmth in an open hand,
Only a distant memory of a lost life.
When I am forced to tread among humanity,
I fain that I somehow belong,
Just another soul consumed by greed and vanity,
Always dreading my true form will be discovered.
All that I used to be is gone,
An empty shell is what remains.
Friend, do not linger here for long.
The girl has become a monster.
The morning sun was a welcomed friend.
Now, I only seek the night,
Creeping from shadow to shadow.
I used to greet my fellow man,
But these meetings are no more.
I find no warmth in an open hand,
Only a distant memory of a lost life.
When I am forced to tread among humanity,
I fain that I somehow belong,
Just another soul consumed by greed and vanity,
Always dreading my true form will be discovered.
All that I used to be is gone,
An empty shell is what remains.
Friend, do not linger here for long.
The girl has become a monster.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Infinite Paradoxes at the Hilton Hotel
Within the past year, I have been introduced to some of the ideas and concepts surrounding infinity. I was most intrigued by the work of Cantor and Hilbert. Cantor worried about the paradoxes when you start trying to work problems using infinity as if it were an integer, ie using "I" as infinity (I + I=2I??) How does that work?
One intriguing visualization from Hilbert is his infinite hotel or "Hilbert's Hotel". The hotel has infinite rooms and they are all occupied. Say, you show up, or you and all your friends, or you and an additional infinite friends show up and need a room. Hilbert would shift the guests so as to accommodate the new guests. This proposal of different kinds of infinity does not really make sense at least not to a finite creature as myself.
Now the way I have imagined it is that there is really the "single" infinity (whatever that means) and the infinite other infinities imagined in the Hilbert hotel are just part of that true infinity. One way to think of it might be a shape shifting object that is always changing into new forms of infinity but is really still the same object.
Now if that confuses you, if confuses me, too, but really if infinite buses showed up to the Hilbert Hotel with infinite passengers on each and the guests are moved to accommodate these new arrivals, really those guests were already there. I don't know how to explain this more clearly. It is kind of like travelling around a circle. No matter how far you travel around the circle, you end up in the same position. This makes sense to me but I may not be the best at explaining this concept. Let me just state one more time the continuing properties that Bob arriving at the hotel, can go to his room, but he himself has left that room to accommodate himself. Ok well, that may be even worse, so I will give it a rest for now and come back to it later. This is just one idea, and by no means my final thought on infinity.
I hope this gives you something to think about even if you feel that my train of thought is flawed.
One intriguing visualization from Hilbert is his infinite hotel or "Hilbert's Hotel". The hotel has infinite rooms and they are all occupied. Say, you show up, or you and all your friends, or you and an additional infinite friends show up and need a room. Hilbert would shift the guests so as to accommodate the new guests. This proposal of different kinds of infinity does not really make sense at least not to a finite creature as myself.
Now the way I have imagined it is that there is really the "single" infinity (whatever that means) and the infinite other infinities imagined in the Hilbert hotel are just part of that true infinity. One way to think of it might be a shape shifting object that is always changing into new forms of infinity but is really still the same object.
Now if that confuses you, if confuses me, too, but really if infinite buses showed up to the Hilbert Hotel with infinite passengers on each and the guests are moved to accommodate these new arrivals, really those guests were already there. I don't know how to explain this more clearly. It is kind of like travelling around a circle. No matter how far you travel around the circle, you end up in the same position. This makes sense to me but I may not be the best at explaining this concept. Let me just state one more time the continuing properties that Bob arriving at the hotel, can go to his room, but he himself has left that room to accommodate himself. Ok well, that may be even worse, so I will give it a rest for now and come back to it later. This is just one idea, and by no means my final thought on infinity.
I hope this gives you something to think about even if you feel that my train of thought is flawed.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Fermat's Last Theorem Missing Proof
Fermat's Last Theorem on an + bn = cn never works for any integers greater than two. Pierre de Fermat wrote that he had a proof for this theorem but no one has ever discovered it. No one has ever been able to reproduce the proof since, until mathematician, Andrew Wiles, developed a proof in 1994, fulfilling a dream he had since childhood.
Wiles achieved this great feat using the Taniyama-Shimura conjecture proposed in 1955. Sadly, Taniyama committed suicide in 1958. However, Shimura did live to witness Wiles's use of their conjecture in his proof of Fermat's Last Theorem.
Anyway, it is remarkable that Wiles was able to develop this proof, but Wiles used a 20th Century conjecture to develop his proof, so we know that this is not the same proof that Fermat had worked out since he worked it out in the 17th Century. So what was his Fermat's proof? Will we ever know if it truly existed, and/or what it was?
Wiles achieved this great feat using the Taniyama-Shimura conjecture proposed in 1955. Sadly, Taniyama committed suicide in 1958. However, Shimura did live to witness Wiles's use of their conjecture in his proof of Fermat's Last Theorem.
Anyway, it is remarkable that Wiles was able to develop this proof, but Wiles used a 20th Century conjecture to develop his proof, so we know that this is not the same proof that Fermat had worked out since he worked it out in the 17th Century. So what was his Fermat's proof? Will we ever know if it truly existed, and/or what it was?
Is infinity squared larger than infinity?
I am right!
No I am right!
I am right times infinity!
No, I am right infinity times infinity!
When I was a child, my late brother, Sam, and I had many arguments. One that stood out was the largest known animal. I was big supporter of marine animals and he was a die-hard dinosaur fan. He said Seismosaurus. I said the Blue Whale. We got into an argument, and infinity times infinity came up.
This is puzzling, because infinity is supposed to be "infinite" after all, but can infinity be manipulated in quantity, say only all odds, or evens, or multiplying infinity by itself? I was reading about a mathematician that came up with some interesting ideas about the different quantities of infinity. He considered adding a decimal to every number and then having infinite decimal places for each number. I read that he ended his life in an insane asylum. Some say that it was due to his deep ponderings of infinity and some say it was more because of how many of his ideas were poorly received in his time.
Some mathematicians refused to accept infinity. They say it does not exist. The universe is finite and infinity is just something dreamed up in our heads, but is it really?
Most cosmologists accept the idea of inflation, that the universe blew up much like a balloon after the Big Bang. This inflation occurs faster than light speed. So space-time is expanding faster than we could ever travel to find its edge. This would mean to me that like Schrodinger's cat, infinity would both exist and not exist at the same time. Since no matter how far you traveled there would always be more space in "front" of you, but at the same time the expansion is just occurring faster than the cosmic speed limit, so it is finite? Right? I don't know, just a thought. I have considered that the physical "reality" that we perceive actually has the same properties of quantum mechanics, and the infinity idea is one example.
Many theorists think that if you reached the "edge" of the universe that it would just loop back on itself. This would mean that if you were able to take a wormhole across the universe, you could end up standing behind yourself watching yourself enter the wormhole. Very interesting.
Another big theory being thrown around of the multiverses: one is that there are infinite universes, meaning that also that there would be infinite versions of yourself in these other multiverses. I was thinking of developing a way to escape our little version of reality to see what else is out there. Then I realized that if the math was right about the infinite copies of me, as I am travelling to the other multiverses, I would then run into infinite Mes making their own little escapes from their realities. What would this mean? What would be the consequences, if any, to this sort of infinite encounter? Would our little universe be destroyed due to the overload of matter caused by the infinite Mes? And would all of their universes also suffer a similar fate? Well if the universe we experience is finite, then surely infinite copies of me would be too much for it, but if it is expanding faster than it is filling up, perhaps our universe would be ok, and maybe we would all just switch places in each universe/multiverse ensuring each ones sustainment. I could continue on with this rambling, but I will leave that for a later blog. There is much to be said about infinity, apparently.
No I am right!
I am right times infinity!
No, I am right infinity times infinity!
When I was a child, my late brother, Sam, and I had many arguments. One that stood out was the largest known animal. I was big supporter of marine animals and he was a die-hard dinosaur fan. He said Seismosaurus. I said the Blue Whale. We got into an argument, and infinity times infinity came up.
This is puzzling, because infinity is supposed to be "infinite" after all, but can infinity be manipulated in quantity, say only all odds, or evens, or multiplying infinity by itself? I was reading about a mathematician that came up with some interesting ideas about the different quantities of infinity. He considered adding a decimal to every number and then having infinite decimal places for each number. I read that he ended his life in an insane asylum. Some say that it was due to his deep ponderings of infinity and some say it was more because of how many of his ideas were poorly received in his time.
Some mathematicians refused to accept infinity. They say it does not exist. The universe is finite and infinity is just something dreamed up in our heads, but is it really?
Most cosmologists accept the idea of inflation, that the universe blew up much like a balloon after the Big Bang. This inflation occurs faster than light speed. So space-time is expanding faster than we could ever travel to find its edge. This would mean to me that like Schrodinger's cat, infinity would both exist and not exist at the same time. Since no matter how far you traveled there would always be more space in "front" of you, but at the same time the expansion is just occurring faster than the cosmic speed limit, so it is finite? Right? I don't know, just a thought. I have considered that the physical "reality" that we perceive actually has the same properties of quantum mechanics, and the infinity idea is one example.
Many theorists think that if you reached the "edge" of the universe that it would just loop back on itself. This would mean that if you were able to take a wormhole across the universe, you could end up standing behind yourself watching yourself enter the wormhole. Very interesting.
Another big theory being thrown around of the multiverses: one is that there are infinite universes, meaning that also that there would be infinite versions of yourself in these other multiverses. I was thinking of developing a way to escape our little version of reality to see what else is out there. Then I realized that if the math was right about the infinite copies of me, as I am travelling to the other multiverses, I would then run into infinite Mes making their own little escapes from their realities. What would this mean? What would be the consequences, if any, to this sort of infinite encounter? Would our little universe be destroyed due to the overload of matter caused by the infinite Mes? And would all of their universes also suffer a similar fate? Well if the universe we experience is finite, then surely infinite copies of me would be too much for it, but if it is expanding faster than it is filling up, perhaps our universe would be ok, and maybe we would all just switch places in each universe/multiverse ensuring each ones sustainment. I could continue on with this rambling, but I will leave that for a later blog. There is much to be said about infinity, apparently.
The Trouble with Gravity
Gravity is one of the four forces in physics. I have read a lot about this force and how it has shaped the universe. I first became interested in gravity when reading about Einstein and Newton. These two gentlemen's ideas intrigued me. One thing stood out to me in Einstein's theories of space-time. Basically space-time is warped by the bodies placed in it, such as planets and even Newton's apple.
I have also done research into quantum mechanics, and I have read that physicists are searching for "gravitons" little particles of gravity. My trouble is that I had come to think of gravity as sort of a displacement of space-time. It does not make sense to me that a particle should be expected. If you are mixing cookie batter, and you place chocolate chips in the batter, the rest of the batter must move to accommodate the chips. A new particle is not introduced to cause the displacement besides the chocolate chips, themselves.
I emailed one of my favorite theoretical physicists about this, Brian Greene, but I have not heard back. I figure he is either too busy, or he thinks my question is too ridiculously simple to waste his time. Oh well. I hope to get answers from some of my physics professors, because I must be missing something if all of these well-educated individuals all believe gravitons are waiting to be discovered.
If, and its a big if, the gravitons do not exist and gravity is simple space-time displacement, would that fix the issue we have been having on the search for the theory of everything? If gravity is mere "displacement" does it belong in the major forces category at all? I am sure that my ignorance is probably why I am not understanding this, but I need more information to resolve my trouble with gravitons.
My ex-boyfriend from many years ago said to me, "There is no such thing as gravity. The Earth just sucks." Maybe he was right. LOL
I have also done research into quantum mechanics, and I have read that physicists are searching for "gravitons" little particles of gravity. My trouble is that I had come to think of gravity as sort of a displacement of space-time. It does not make sense to me that a particle should be expected. If you are mixing cookie batter, and you place chocolate chips in the batter, the rest of the batter must move to accommodate the chips. A new particle is not introduced to cause the displacement besides the chocolate chips, themselves.
I emailed one of my favorite theoretical physicists about this, Brian Greene, but I have not heard back. I figure he is either too busy, or he thinks my question is too ridiculously simple to waste his time. Oh well. I hope to get answers from some of my physics professors, because I must be missing something if all of these well-educated individuals all believe gravitons are waiting to be discovered.
If, and its a big if, the gravitons do not exist and gravity is simple space-time displacement, would that fix the issue we have been having on the search for the theory of everything? If gravity is mere "displacement" does it belong in the major forces category at all? I am sure that my ignorance is probably why I am not understanding this, but I need more information to resolve my trouble with gravitons.
My ex-boyfriend from many years ago said to me, "There is no such thing as gravity. The Earth just sucks." Maybe he was right. LOL
Friday, May 10, 2013
Will Reversal of Entropy Lead to a World Power Fight over the Remote?
Recently, I read some findings from a lab in Germany where an experiment had been conducted to surpass absolute zero. In theory this state really did not exist, but when this feat had been accomplished, the scientists observed the strange behavior of the particles in this extreme state. It was expected that there would be no energy at absolute zero, but these particles were in super-high energy states. The paper I read explained that this could mean properties such as entropy reversal.
Now this is very important to me, because I imagine what wonders we could do, if such a tool was developed. I imagined tissue damaged or lost in a bad accident being completely restored to its original condition. I imagined accident clean-ups, or s crime fighting tool. Perhaps regeneration from reverse entropy could keep people from aging and maybe even defend us from death.
Now, of course, all of these ideas do not exist, yet, but these are the sorts of things I ponder over, frequently. Now, as I thought of all the wonders we could do, I then imagined some of the evils that could also occur. Two warring nations may use such a devise to reverse outcomes or to have more than one chance at a successful attack.
I imagined two world leaders with remote controls in their hands fighting over what outcome would be the final one, much like two sibling might fight over which program or what part of a show or movie was to be watched. So then I thought, maybe if I am ever involved in such research that I should not tell anyone, but that just didn't seem right either, and it does seem to me that eventually all secrets will be made known, and if one withholds information from peace seeking nations, the hostile ones may steal the technology and develop a counter device. Then we would really be in for a fight.
Just some speculations on the positive developments that could come from such research, and then on the other hand the nightmare that could also happen if such powerful technology is used for destructive purposes.
Now this is very important to me, because I imagine what wonders we could do, if such a tool was developed. I imagined tissue damaged or lost in a bad accident being completely restored to its original condition. I imagined accident clean-ups, or s crime fighting tool. Perhaps regeneration from reverse entropy could keep people from aging and maybe even defend us from death.
Now, of course, all of these ideas do not exist, yet, but these are the sorts of things I ponder over, frequently. Now, as I thought of all the wonders we could do, I then imagined some of the evils that could also occur. Two warring nations may use such a devise to reverse outcomes or to have more than one chance at a successful attack.
I imagined two world leaders with remote controls in their hands fighting over what outcome would be the final one, much like two sibling might fight over which program or what part of a show or movie was to be watched. So then I thought, maybe if I am ever involved in such research that I should not tell anyone, but that just didn't seem right either, and it does seem to me that eventually all secrets will be made known, and if one withholds information from peace seeking nations, the hostile ones may steal the technology and develop a counter device. Then we would really be in for a fight.
Just some speculations on the positive developments that could come from such research, and then on the other hand the nightmare that could also happen if such powerful technology is used for destructive purposes.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
The Equal Immortality Program
In a not too distant future, humans will have achieved immortality, which will most likely be due to a sort of self evolution where you can rewrite an upgrade your biology, perhaps giving up some biological elements and taking on qualities of our computers or other technologies, such as self-healing tissues, regeneration, etc. Anyway, we will also no longer be limited to a one way, one speed time dimension. We will also not be limited to out solar system or perhaps even our galaxy. Humans have the potential to leave the "nest" Earth and find new places to live (and hopefully not waste and deplete all resources while we're at it). Anyway, we will think that it just isn't fair that all of the persons before us had to die. A program could be initiated to contact the persons whom it is decided would be less horrified by what the future has become. The person will be given the choice as to whether he or she would like to join us or keep the life he or she always had. If it went badly or the person changed his or her mind, we could just return to the same instance, or before it an d warn ourselves not to contact said person. Given that we had expanded our habitat, we would have enough resources to keep all of our past persons' cared for as well as ourselves.
Why Quantum Weirdness?
My thoughts on a possible explanation as to why quantum particles are in multiple states at once is simply due to their foreignness to 3 dimensional laws. Our laws in physics are based on a 3 dimensional perception of what is reality. The quantum world is not governed on these laws and principles because they belong to a higher dimension of reality. To envision this in a 3 dimensional reality, I think of a piece of thread woven through piece of cloth several times as a person would do to create a piece of needlework. The cloth is our 3 spatial dimensional world. We only observe the string as it contacts our piece of cloth, so that to us it appears that the string is in many different locations at once. This is probably not the best way to explain this idea but it was the best I could come up with this late at night.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Changes
It is hard for me to believe how much I have changed throughout my life. I am weary of change, honestly. There is no stability in my life. I feel like I'm constantly walking on a wire or hanging on to a cliff by a string. The saddest part is, is that I am so utterly alone. I am very tired and I hurt most of the time, and there is no one here to comfort or care. I wonder how much if not all of this is self-induced, like I just wanted to be alone so I could die in peace without worrying about hurting anyone or causing any sort of unnecessary pain, but it would still not be right. I feel like I am falling apart and it is SO hard to care enough to do anything to change. I am in a constant battle with me and I just don't know how it is going to pan out. I always hoped when I was younger that I would meet a man who was strong and determined, who would pull me out of this nightmare life and make me feel confident, like there were things worth caring about, especially myself, or things worth doing or living for, but of course, those were all just fairy tales. It would not be fair to put that sort of expectation on any person, nobody wants a broken girl. Sometimes things happen to a person that breaks them and sometimes these things are accumulative and so many awful things happen in so many different ways, that it is no longer worth risking anymore hurt. It is a matter of self-preservation, both physical and emotional. I got to a point where feelings became too dangerous for self preservation and now I don't feel anything. I am some sort of ice queen, cold and distant.
I don't want to risk hurting of hurting anyone else. My mind and my body are weary and the only thing I still enjoy is learning. Just strict logical reasoning to solve problems and discover the truths of existence and everything. That is all I want to do. I don't have the ability to care about human things anymore as I feel I have basically nothing in common with pretty much everyone and I have absolutely nothing to offer in any sort of romantic relationship. I don't feel or care, but yet I don't want to cause anyone else pain or let anyone suffer, because I know what that is and what it does.
I am very tired as I usually am. I like sleeping when I can so I don't have to face what a wretched, bitter woman I have become. The normal things in life are not enough to me. I can never run far or fast enough to escape the nightmare that is my life.
I don't want to risk hurting of hurting anyone else. My mind and my body are weary and the only thing I still enjoy is learning. Just strict logical reasoning to solve problems and discover the truths of existence and everything. That is all I want to do. I don't have the ability to care about human things anymore as I feel I have basically nothing in common with pretty much everyone and I have absolutely nothing to offer in any sort of romantic relationship. I don't feel or care, but yet I don't want to cause anyone else pain or let anyone suffer, because I know what that is and what it does.
I am very tired as I usually am. I like sleeping when I can so I don't have to face what a wretched, bitter woman I have become. The normal things in life are not enough to me. I can never run far or fast enough to escape the nightmare that is my life.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Using Teleportation to Eradicate Disease, Aging, and Death
What it means to be human can be revolutionized using teleportation. Basically we are just big bags of information when you get down to it, from our cells to out DNA to our genes, our memories, our thoughts, our feeling, etc. Teleporting involves copying all the information that makes up something or someone, destroying it in one place and recreating it in another.
It could be possible that while a person's information is in a "suspended" state, the information causing the illness, aging, or death could be "fixed" or modified so that when a person is recreated, the problems he or she had have been fixed, good as new...or probably much better.
Now to be on the safe side, before starting the teleporting process, a back-up copy can be made, much like you would back-up your I-Pod or computer files, so that if there is an error during the process, you still have the back-up file to start over when the errors have been adjusted.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Dreams of My Brother
I terribly miss my brother, Sam. It has been about two years since his suicide. He was the smarter of us, the better of us, and I always was in fierce competition with him as a child. We fought bitterly over whose favorite animal was the best. Mine was the Blue Whale and his was the Seismosaurus. He suffered bitterly with his demons, schizophrenia, was beyond what anyone should have to endure. Tormented all his life, roller coaster ride from hell between bouts of extreme medication to extreme bouts of insanity. In and out of mental facilities, without any competent parents to help him.
I was deployed to Iraq on my second tour and Sam sent me an email. He said he was going on a trip and left a note for the landlord to take care of Wilbur II, his beloved guinea pig. I felt this was odd behavior and assumed poor Sam was going through another bout of insanity, maybe off his meds. He moved from Ruidoso to Carlsbad where he had spent most of his life. He said that my sister and mother were driving him nuts. Poor thing. My mother will have nothing to do with me since childhood and my sister goes through random cycles where she is somewhat friendly and somewhat not. We have a complicated relationship, if you can call it a relationship.
Sam died. He had gone quite a while without his meds and I guess his illness was spiraling out of control again. He called my Dad who wasn't much help and told him to take his meds and come paint his garage. My brother took more of his meds than was prescribed perhaps in an effort to quickly quiet the voices and the tormenting thoughts. He had not slept in 3 days.
He painted my dad's garage but decided he wasn't well and had to go to the hospital. My dad told his wife, Stacy to take him. Stacy suffers from epilepsy and I am not sure how "with it" she is, although she seems pretty nice for the most part. They were driving by the flumes and my brother wanted out. She pulled over but before she could park the car, Sam was on top of the flumes laughing. It was windy and Stacy thought he might have just fallen. But Idk, he had tried suicide earlier that year so I don't know. He laughed and then fell head first. Stacy could not do anything but scream. Another car stopped to help. He was taken to the hospital where he soon died. And so ended my dear friend and brother's life.
I wish it had been me, instead. It is a selfish wish. I hate the world without Sam. What is the point? Our childhood was a living hell and with his mental disorder I think it must have been even worse for him. Nothing I do means anything as I have failed him. He always treated me well and always tried to take care of me. I was not there for him. I was playing in the sandbox on the other side of the world. I know what it is to hurt, and to be alone, and to feel utterly hopeless. I miss Sam dearly and I often hope that I will not have to wait very long to be with him, and I pray dearly that his demons have not followed him into the next world, whatever and wherever that is. He remains in eternal free-fall in my heart and has yet to hit the ground. I cannot let him go.
I was deployed to Iraq on my second tour and Sam sent me an email. He said he was going on a trip and left a note for the landlord to take care of Wilbur II, his beloved guinea pig. I felt this was odd behavior and assumed poor Sam was going through another bout of insanity, maybe off his meds. He moved from Ruidoso to Carlsbad where he had spent most of his life. He said that my sister and mother were driving him nuts. Poor thing. My mother will have nothing to do with me since childhood and my sister goes through random cycles where she is somewhat friendly and somewhat not. We have a complicated relationship, if you can call it a relationship.
Sam died. He had gone quite a while without his meds and I guess his illness was spiraling out of control again. He called my Dad who wasn't much help and told him to take his meds and come paint his garage. My brother took more of his meds than was prescribed perhaps in an effort to quickly quiet the voices and the tormenting thoughts. He had not slept in 3 days.
He painted my dad's garage but decided he wasn't well and had to go to the hospital. My dad told his wife, Stacy to take him. Stacy suffers from epilepsy and I am not sure how "with it" she is, although she seems pretty nice for the most part. They were driving by the flumes and my brother wanted out. She pulled over but before she could park the car, Sam was on top of the flumes laughing. It was windy and Stacy thought he might have just fallen. But Idk, he had tried suicide earlier that year so I don't know. He laughed and then fell head first. Stacy could not do anything but scream. Another car stopped to help. He was taken to the hospital where he soon died. And so ended my dear friend and brother's life.
I wish it had been me, instead. It is a selfish wish. I hate the world without Sam. What is the point? Our childhood was a living hell and with his mental disorder I think it must have been even worse for him. Nothing I do means anything as I have failed him. He always treated me well and always tried to take care of me. I was not there for him. I was playing in the sandbox on the other side of the world. I know what it is to hurt, and to be alone, and to feel utterly hopeless. I miss Sam dearly and I often hope that I will not have to wait very long to be with him, and I pray dearly that his demons have not followed him into the next world, whatever and wherever that is. He remains in eternal free-fall in my heart and has yet to hit the ground. I cannot let him go.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Membrane Collision? Big Bang Initiator?
So I was reading one of my astronomy books and it was just going through a brief synopsis on a proposed theory that our four dimensional spacetime was created due to two five dimensional membranes colliding. I had read about the "Brane Theory" awhile back, but this was the first time I read that the branes involved were each five dimensional.
My first thought was, "Why five?" Hmmm, sounds like wifi LOL. No, that wasn't it, of course, No, my thought immediately were the five dimensions are used to fit into M-theory, which is the collaboration of the previously separated five string theory models. M-theory requires 10 dimensions of space and one of time. Which the proposed number of dimensions in the branes implies that the branes do not have a time dimension, which is hard to imagine. But you know what John from the Beatles says, "It's easy if you try." Anyway, sure enough I read a bit online and the data I read said that the "M" in M-theory was believed to stand for membrane theory, but Witten has never confirmed why he called it M-theory.
This made me feel rather silly, realizing that the theory, M-theory, allowed for strings and membranes all this time, and I had to figure it out this way! Anyway, one more thought on why is was dubbed "M-theory". Witten's theory showed that all proposed versions of string theory were really the same one. The letter "M" has five points but they are all part of the same letter. That was my guess for a possible reasoning in the name. Anyway, I really need to try to sleep, now. Good night!
My first thought was, "Why five?" Hmmm, sounds like wifi LOL. No, that wasn't it, of course, No, my thought immediately were the five dimensions are used to fit into M-theory, which is the collaboration of the previously separated five string theory models. M-theory requires 10 dimensions of space and one of time. Which the proposed number of dimensions in the branes implies that the branes do not have a time dimension, which is hard to imagine. But you know what John from the Beatles says, "It's easy if you try." Anyway, sure enough I read a bit online and the data I read said that the "M" in M-theory was believed to stand for membrane theory, but Witten has never confirmed why he called it M-theory.
This made me feel rather silly, realizing that the theory, M-theory, allowed for strings and membranes all this time, and I had to figure it out this way! Anyway, one more thought on why is was dubbed "M-theory". Witten's theory showed that all proposed versions of string theory were really the same one. The letter "M" has five points but they are all part of the same letter. That was my guess for a possible reasoning in the name. Anyway, I really need to try to sleep, now. Good night!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Motion Sickness Upgrade
Motion Sickness is a song I have heard pretty frequently at my job. It is played several times a day at my retail job. Most of the songs played are hardly an upgrade from elevator music as far as I am concerned but one of the songs I actually liked, liked not loved.
It actually has lyrics. Songs stopped having lyrics in the 90s. Now they have one word, phrase, or sometimes a whole sentence that is repeated over and over again, usually to music created by some sort of computer program. I am not anti-technology. I love it, but I am anti-anti-creativity and anti-anti-imagination.
Anyway, I had to look up the song and the lyrics since I had no idea what it was. I think the band was called Hot Chips or Hit Chips or something like that. Please don't sue me. I have no money. Anyway, the lyrics were a disappointment, as I appreciated the lyrics that I thought I heard better.
The version I heard really "struck a chord" with me. LOL Anyway, they reminded me of my late brother and me growing up, especially in the second verse, so without further ado, here are the lyrics to the second verse as I believed they were meant to be:
'Remember when we both found out the world is hell, the world is hell?
'Remember when we both found out the world is hell, the world is hell?
Everything lost, everything lost of my dreams.
Everything lost, everything lost of my dreams.
I am only reaching out for you,
I am only reaching out to you.'
It actually has lyrics. Songs stopped having lyrics in the 90s. Now they have one word, phrase, or sometimes a whole sentence that is repeated over and over again, usually to music created by some sort of computer program. I am not anti-technology. I love it, but I am anti-anti-creativity and anti-anti-imagination.
Anyway, I had to look up the song and the lyrics since I had no idea what it was. I think the band was called Hot Chips or Hit Chips or something like that. Please don't sue me. I have no money. Anyway, the lyrics were a disappointment, as I appreciated the lyrics that I thought I heard better.
The version I heard really "struck a chord" with me. LOL Anyway, they reminded me of my late brother and me growing up, especially in the second verse, so without further ado, here are the lyrics to the second verse as I believed they were meant to be:
'Remember when we both found out the world is hell, the world is hell?
'Remember when we both found out the world is hell, the world is hell?
Everything lost, everything lost of my dreams.
Everything lost, everything lost of my dreams.
I am only reaching out for you,
I am only reaching out to you.'
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Thoughts on Love and Life
I don't know how most people experience love and life. Mine seems to have been somewhat unconventional. When I was younger, I lived for love and love met everything. Now there is no love left, but here I continue to live on. When I was young, I did not think I would live to be an adult, and I didn't really. I no longer resemble anything of my former self. I died awhile back. Now I avoid humanity like the plague (and they pretty much are). I know, I know, so pessimistic, Debbie Downer. For you young people that is a reference to Satuday Night Live (Old School).
Anyway, as I was saying love ruled my life and now has no place in it. What does it mean to really be alive? I don't think I qualify, and it is hard to care one way or the other.
Anyway, as I was saying love ruled my life and now has no place in it. What does it mean to really be alive? I don't think I qualify, and it is hard to care one way or the other.
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