Changes

It is hard for me to believe how much I have changed throughout my life.  I am weary of change, honestly.  There is no stability in my life.  I feel like I'm constantly walking on a wire or hanging on to a cliff by a string.  The saddest part is, is that I am so utterly alone.  I am very tired and I hurt most of the time, and there is no one here to comfort or care. I wonder how much if not all of this is self-induced, like I just wanted to be alone so I could die in peace without worrying about hurting anyone or causing any sort of unnecessary pain, but it would still not be right. I feel like I am falling apart and it is SO hard to care enough to do anything to change.  I am in a constant battle with me and I just don't know how it is going to pan out.  I always hoped when I was younger that I would meet a man who was strong and determined, who would pull me out of this nightmare life and make me feel confident, like there were things worth caring about, especially myself, or things worth doing or living for, but of course, those were all just fairy tales.  It would not be fair to put that sort of expectation on any person, nobody wants a broken girl.  Sometimes things happen to a person that breaks them and sometimes these things are accumulative and so many awful things happen in so many different ways, that it is no longer worth risking anymore hurt.  It is a matter of self-preservation, both physical and emotional.  I got to a point where feelings became too dangerous for self preservation and now I don't feel anything.  I am some sort of ice queen, cold and distant.

I don't want to risk hurting of hurting anyone else.  My mind and my body are weary and the only thing I still enjoy is learning.  Just strict logical reasoning to solve problems and discover the truths of existence and everything.  That is all I want to do.  I don't have the ability to care about human things anymore as I feel I have basically nothing in common with pretty much everyone and I have absolutely nothing to offer in any sort of romantic relationship.  I don't feel or care, but yet I don't want to cause anyone else pain or let anyone suffer, because I know what that is and what it does.

I am very tired as I usually am.  I like sleeping when I can so I don't have to face what a wretched, bitter woman I have become.  The normal things in life are not enough to me.  I can never run far or fast enough to escape the nightmare that is my life.